I knew I wanted to be an actor. I just kept saying, "Until somebody tells me to stop, until I have to go get a real job, and until I'm practically homeless, I'm not gonna get one."

If you have a dream, just lie about it. Lie your way unto your dreams.

Joel McHale is so money, he should be printed on money.

In prison, inmates sometimes use Cheetos and grape juice as makeup. I wouldn't use that beauty regimen around Britney Spears - she might lick your face off!

I loved New Jersey. I thought it was the greatest place in the world because on Halloween kids could start trick or treating right after school. Isn't that great?

I used humor as survival, as a weapon and as comfort.

People have always said since TV was invented what a cultural wasteland it is but I think it is the worst and the best. It is the golden age of television.

I think we are as screwed as a culture as we are saved as a culture.

I don't think the NFL had the slightest intention of taking me, except as maybe a water boy.

Yes, I would say my comedy is grunge, evidenced by the fact my jokes have put an end to big-hair glam comedy.

My goal and my career is definitely not to be famous. That's a really horrible goal, just to be famous for the sake of having fame.

To choose light is to reject darkness.

Once a man strays out of the common herd, he's more likely to meet wolves in the thickets than angels.

Be content with what you are and wish not change nor dread your last day nor long for it.

I want to be a saint, a real saint while I am young, for there is so much work to do.

Knowing what paint a painter uses or having an understanding of where he was in the history of where he came from doesn't hurt your appreciation of the painting.

Beauty, you're under arrest. I have a camera, and I'm not afraid to use it.

Pay your people the least possible and you'll get from them the same.

Living the 'easy' life today seems to make a 'difficult' life tomorrow.

People need to have the incentive that if they invest and succeed, they can make a fair profit. Otherwise they'll stop investing.