I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

Prayer is good but unconditional love is better.

It's hard to tell how far women's individuality has come in the past twenty years.

Confronting your fears and allowing yourself the right to be human can, paradoxically, make you a far happier and more productive person.

Braque always said that the only thing that counts, in painting, is the intention, and it's true. What counts is what one wants to do, and not what one does. That's what's important.

But Father has also taught him: Treat a man as if he had a fine reputation to protect, and he will usually endeavor to deserve it.

The Christian life is one of spiritual courage and determination lived out in our flesh

When I visit new places, I like to see the markets.

Reading a book by someone you respect allows some of their brilliance to rub off on you.

I love attention. I love going to events and photo shoots... I enjoy it all; the clothing, the makeup, the excitement.

I give each book however long it needs to be the best I can make it.