I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

For an optimist, life is full of opportunity. For a pessimist, life is full of adversity. Life is what you think of it.

I never speak in silence.

SakeThe jewel which brightly shines at nightIs precious, but cannot measure up To the delights of drinking sake, Drowning one's troubles in the cup. Otomo no Tabito

When a guy tells me I'm cute, it's not something desirable. Cute is more like what you want your pet to be.

Be very strong... be very methodical in your life if you want to be a champion.

Writers are magpies, and we collect details about people and we use them for fictional characters.

No man can see his own prejudices.

I have more things going on right now than I can actually do without the invention of a cloning device. It is great!

...trade the life of self pity, that I was living, for a life of purpose! - Rebekah -

I could eat a feeling faster than anybody, put a little hot sauce on it and wouldn't recognize it until it showed up on my behind three days later.