I knew that drinking and doing stand-up was going to make me less of an effective comedian. And I just had a lot invested in wanting to be a really good comedian and so I stopped for that reason.

The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.

Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?

The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.

Iowa's the worst. Iowa's just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It's the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.

Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls and then you leave the house and things get bad.

If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.

Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications.

I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.

They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame.

Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.

Though it’s reasons to burn may vary... you are always the fuel of my fire.

In everyday life, we ought to extend kindness towards one another.

Here I am I am tired I am tired of running of having to carry my life like it was a basket of eggs

To subject every private family to the odious visits and examination of the tax-gatherers ... would be altogether inconsistent with liberty.

When one sees that everything exists as an illusion, one can live in a higher sphere than ordinary man.

I think any role you need to play not so much transforms but I like to think of it as understanding the psychology of another character.

I like both slapstick and contradiction. Like philosophers.

To laugh is to risk appearing a fool, to weep is to risk appearing too sentimental, to reach out for another is to risk involvement, and to expose feelings is to risk exposing one's true self.

[Barack] Obama won two elections but certainly the first one not because people wanted that agenda of his. He never told them what his agenda was. Not as it played out. Obama was something other.

The movies and the parts I'm being offered are becoming better and better.