I know I'm a million times as humble as thou art!

It doesn't take a military genius to see we'll all be crispy critters after World War III.

As my father used to tell me, the only true sign of success in life is being able to do for a living that which makes you happy.

In heaven there is no beer. That's why we drink ours here.

If money can't buy happiness, then I guess I'll have to rent it.

You got me stranded on the bungee tower of love.

I'm still a geek on the inside, that's the important thing.

At this point I've got a bit of a track record. So people realize that when 'Weird Al' wants to go parody, it's not meant to make them look bad... it's meant to be a tribute.

If you want to avoid heated arguments, never discuss religion, politics, or whether the toilet paper roll should go over or under.

As a wise man once said, “April Fools Day is for amateurs. You NEVER need an excuse to mess with people's heads.”

Nows the time to go for all the gusto you can grab. You'll have plenty of time to be low-key when you're laid out on the slab.

Most people do not know what they are living for. Asking a question of the purpose of their existence would be an absurd thing to do merely on this account

[To Aquinas] the senses are what we have in common with dumb animals. ... Our better part [is] the mind ... and [its] intellectual contemplation.

He who has seen everything empty itself is close to knowing what everything is filled with.

I'm pretty solitary when I take pictures. Even when I take pictures of people, I just go about my own way of doing it.

From contact comes feeling. From feeling comes reaction. This is what keeps us in the cycle of birth and death. Our reactions to our feelings are our passport to rebirth.

To make astute people believe one is what one is not is, in most cases, harder than actually to become what one wishes to appear.

Whoever blushes confesses guilt, true innocence never feels shame.

It's an honor to win a Grammy, of course.

Be able to draw an illustration as least well enough to get your point across to another person.

When I'm healthy, I can still pitch. I know I can still pitch at that level and get the results that I want.