I know I was writing stories when I was five. I don’t remember what I did before that. Just loafed, I suppose.

Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

There is no surer foundation for a beautiful friendship than a mutual taste in literature.

It is never difficult to distinguish between a Scotsman with a grievance and a ray of sunshine.

I always advise people never to give advice.

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.

Gussie, a glutton for punishment, stared at himself in the mirror.

It was my Uncle George who discovered that alcohol was a food well in advance of modern medical thought.

As we grow older and realize more clearly the limitations of human happiness, we come to see that the only real and abiding pleasure in life is to give pleasure to other people.

The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.

It will pass, whatever it is.

I get absolutely shitfaced. I am shitfaced and hyper and ten years old. I am having the time of my life.

By their very nature bureaucracies have no conscience, no memory, and no mind.

An efficient and valuable man does what he can, whether the community pay him for it or not.

Why does McDonald's have to count every burger that they sell? What is their ultimate goal? Do they want cows to surrender voluntarily?

I did stand-up for a long time and I did classical theater. As much time as you could spend on a stage will always inform you and your job, as you evolve.

I'm a journeyman actor. My experience as a journeyman actor is that you have to go where the work is. I've never been the lead; I've never been in that position.

There is nothing wherein their womanliness is more honestly garnished than with silence.

A golf course is for golf. A tennis court is for tennis. A prison camp is for escaping.

It all comes down to interest rates. As an investor, all you're doing is putting up a lump-sump payment for a future cash flow.