I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

We're going' Anne said firmly. So soon?' Percy pleaded. 'But stars come out at night.'Then they fade at dawn', Anne replied. 'This star needs to veil herself in darkness.

I get inspiration from literally everything and anything. I take inspiration from people, relationships, stories, and I take inspiration from movies I see, books I read and songs I hear.

Wouldn't it be great if the technology we used to take care of ourselves was as good as the technology we use to make money?

The most deeply compelled action is also the freest action. By that I mean, no part of you is outside the action.

Come, let us make love deathless, thou and I, Seeing that our footing on the Earth is brief- Seeing that her multitudes sweep out to die Mocking at all that passes their belief.

You're children. Don't you want a home, a family?" "With, like, vitamin-fortified cereal and educational television?

Music can change lives. Whether you are having a good or bad day, the power of music can change one's mood.

Advertising is not merely an assembly of competing messages; it is a language itself which is always being used to make the same general proposal

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.

The seconds of presence are where most inspiration comes. There are sunsets that promote it.