I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Do not fear failure but rather fear not trying.

I m not fighting with world, I am fighting with my self to improve my strength.

The idea of a journeyman actor, people sort of say negatively - "Someone who never made it for real" - [but] I think a journeyman actor is the complete goal.

I guess I would call my music blues punk. Theres a lot of influences.

I am only one, But still I am one.

I derive no pleasure from prosecuting a man, even though I know he's guilty; do you think I could sleep at night or look at myself in the mirror in the morning if I hounded an innocent man?

The foresight of financial experts was, as so often, a poor guide to the future.

But when my mother died, I found that I did not believe that she was gone.

My philosophy is that if I have any money I invest it in new ventures and not have it sitting around.

The Stock Market is designed to transfer money from the Active to the Patient.