I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Mindset and attitude are so tightly intertwined they almost mean the same thing!

For lo the winter is past the rain is over and gone the flowers appear on the earth.

My mind is my laboratory.

The seat of faith, however, is not consciousness but spontaneous religious experience, which brings the individual's faith into immediate relation with God.

I'm a multi-tasker. I was down with that stuff before they invented the term.

Mobile phones are one of the most insecure devices that were ever available, so they're very easy to trace; they're very easy to tap.

Democracy is acceptable to neo-liberals only in so far as it does not contradict the free market.

Beliefs can be roadways or roadblocks. A variety of beliefs can make life interesting and colorful.

Keep it simple. Let's do the obvious thing -the common thing- but let's do it uncommonly well.

Living with the immediacy of death helps you sort out your priorities in life. It helps you to live a less trivial life.