I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.

I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.

There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey... We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".

Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.

How can you be free, If you don't even know you're trap or lock inside?

I'm getting the impression that women, in any form, scare you."He shrugged. "They're the more violent species. And unpredictable. I'd rather take on a wild boar. You can't shoot women.

The only obligation to which in advance we may hold a novel, without incurring the accusation of being arbitrary, is that it be interesting.

I am thankful for the Lord's daily provisions.

For something great, we have to sacrifice something greater

It's funny, when you look back in history books or American cookery books, one of the reasons that the quinces and cranberries are used so often is because of their natural jelling properties.

More and more good actors are now transmigrating into the videogame space and playing roles there because it's where my generation of kids get stories from.

Success is the ability to live your life, the way you want to live it, doing what you enjoy most, surrounded by people you admire and respect.

I go to church because I am a skeptic in regard to my own skepticism.

I put hibiscus flower in every cup of tea I have. It's sweet, sexy, and cleansing.