I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Coincidentally, the words RELIGION and BULLSHIT both have eight letters.

We don’t give a damn to the insects on our Earth, but if we could find even a single insect on Mars, the whole world would cherish it like crazy!

It occurred to her that nobody really knew what anybody else was upset about, and that seemed like a terrible thing.

Blood always excites me.

We don't need as much as we have. Hardly any of us need as much money as we have. It's true what they say about the best things in life being free.

I hike and make sure everything I eat is organic.

I don't grasp things this early in the day. I mean, I hear voices, all right, but I can't pick out the verbs.

The truth is I hate cocktail parties when the only person I know is my supposed date, and he abandons me the minute we come in the door.

I've turned it into the constant pursuit of natural and healthy living, which is much more than just exercise and how you eat. It's a way of life.

This may be the curse of human race . Not that we are different from one anther , but we are so alike .