I know now that everything I write, I'm going to put out, and I'll have to live with it for the rest of my life.

It doesn't take a military genius to see we'll all be crispy critters after World War III.

As my father used to tell me, the only true sign of success in life is being able to do for a living that which makes you happy.

In heaven there is no beer. That's why we drink ours here.

If money can't buy happiness, then I guess I'll have to rent it.

You got me stranded on the bungee tower of love.

I'm still a geek on the inside, that's the important thing.

At this point I've got a bit of a track record. So people realize that when 'Weird Al' wants to go parody, it's not meant to make them look bad... it's meant to be a tribute.

If you want to avoid heated arguments, never discuss religion, politics, or whether the toilet paper roll should go over or under.

As a wise man once said, “April Fools Day is for amateurs. You NEVER need an excuse to mess with people's heads.”

Nows the time to go for all the gusto you can grab. You'll have plenty of time to be low-key when you're laid out on the slab.

Being happy on seeing others happy is happiness multiplied.

In order to discern truth in our hearts, we must unpack the lies".

One advantage of marriage it seems to me is that when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you it keeps you together until you maybe fall in love again.

Hell ain't half full.

Pity swells the tide of love.

I tell girls, 'If you're tall and feel too tall, the answer is to be taller.'

Philosophy is nothing but discretion.

One thing about me is I try to be honest.

The Curse of poverty has no justification in our age...The time has come for us to civilize ourselves by the total, direct and immediate abolition of poverty.

Some writers thrive on the contact with the commerce of success; others are corrupted by it. Perhaps, like losing one's virginity,it is not as bad (or as good) as one feared it was going to be.