I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves. It’s kind of sad. Okay you don’t think you’ll ever make it as a musician, but last night you saw a translucent caveman.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

To stand in true relations with men in a false age is worth a fit of insanity, is it not?

Without mathematics, your world becomes foggy! For a clear vision, you need to be educated in the Temple of Mathematics!

The government wields a heavy hand, which is often used in an underhanded way.

My mother doesn't really embarrass me. Even when I was young. She understands my career.

Statistics and numbers are no good unless you have good people to analyse and then interpret their meaning and importance.

Kitsch is Mechanical and operates by formulas.

Forests are the lungs of our land.

Most people who have survived abuse have great strength.

Trust is difficult to define, but we know when it's present and when it's not.

Whence has come thy lasting power.