I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

I thought no one was talking to me and the others thought I wasn't talking to them.

The behavior of the crowd at Churchill Downs is like 100, 000 vicious Hyenas going berserk all at once in a space about the size of a 777 jet or the White House lawn.

Pride slays thanksgiving, but a humble mind is the soil out of which thanks naturally grow. A proud man is seldom a grateful man, for he never thinks he gets as much as he deserves.

Whatever brings you down, will eventually make you stronger.

Who would drink from a cup when they can drink from the source?

Of course I knew the work of Roland Kirk and Harry Carney and the specific uses they would make of circular breathing, so I knew it was physically possible.

Zeal, the blind conductor of the will.

From a hundred cultures, [there is] one culture which does what no culture has ever done before-gives a place to every human gift.

Art is many things but, directly or indirectly, it always describes the human condition.

All great music is contemporary. If it's still alive and kicking, then it's contemporary. If it fades away, it was a period piece. It had its moment, and that was it.