I know that the pope's infallible, but that doesn't mean he can't make mistakes.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Most often when I stammerThat's my brainCorrecting my grammer.

Mary wasn't brilliant.She was a good woman who let her emotions guide her politics. She just couldn't help being for anybody who was agin something.

Good part about life is everyone is broken...

I'm happy to report that my inner child is still ageless.

A man's grammar, like Caesar's wife, must not only be pure, but above suspicion of impurity.

The need to help spread democracy and the ability to do that will be much greater if we break this addiction to oil, which gives the oil princes and sultans the power in the Mideast.

If you have an outstanding product, world class content, or something else that sets you apart, then you can step back and start thinking about how to promote it.

I think in some ways you learn more from the things you don't like than the things you do.

An emotion is both a mental and a physical event.

There is relief coming. This is good for America. This means that we can lift the oppressive weight of the regulatory state. We can restore the Constitution.