I know the new comedy god is surrealism, but it doesn't touch my heart.

I am very short-sighted, and if I don't like a situation I take my glasses off.

I wouldn't say I was grumpy. It's more pathological - I have seismic tantrums. I get red in the face and cry at least three times a week, and I have to lie down and have a nap afterwards.

People often ask why comedy is harder for women, and the reason is because a tampon will sometimes fall out when you're on stage. Blokes don't have that worry.

Anyone who has dead straight hair wants curls.

I can eat a man, but I'm not sure of the fiber content.

Without fake tan I have the skin tones of a dead jellyfish.

Well, I'm not good with sliminess. I hate the thought of creatures that have slime on them or creatures that leave a slimy trail. At home, the sight of a slug can bring up my breakfast.

I'm a schizophrenic mix of wannabe glamourpuss and absolute slob, and my style is very much magistrate-meets-barmaid.

Well, I really don't like heights. I don't get on the top deck of a double-decker because that's a bit high for me. I always feel that I'm going to hurl myself off, so heights are a problem.

I love fashion, but I don't come from a background of loving clothes, and I remember feeling badly dressed from a young age.

Take the opportunity to learn from your mistakes: find the cause of your problem and eliminate it. Don't try to be perfect

You need one person who knows you... Just one person you can't fool, even when you fool yourself.

I suppose when you say you slept with him, it was more than just a nap?"Lillian shot her a withering glance. "Daisy, don’t be a pea wit.

Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out well but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out.

I start with something that makes me angry or confused, and then I write about it. It's a form of self-help.

The majority don't like me before the curtain goes up, and I always have to win them.

I desire that on no occasion ... shall demonstrations of a political or religious character be made before my remains.

Men have made of fortune an all-powerful goddess, in order that she may be made responsible for all their blunder's.

The world is still in deleveraging.

If there is not the war, you don't get the great general; if there is not a great occasion, you don't get a great statesman; if Lincoln had lived in a time of peace, no one would have known his name.