I know there's a lot of nasty humor directed at celebrities, but my feeling is, in most cases, they deserve it.

LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.

Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.

You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.

Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.

A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.

The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.

In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'

I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.

Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.

The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

Desire. Enthusiasm. Purpose. Pleasure. Delight. Peace. Power. However you define passion, it is at the heart of your motivation.

You are a gift, so open yourself everyday to see the beauty with love, wonder and feel the joy.

A black President? Now come on y'all, we got Clinton, that's close. He got negro tendencies.

When I'm not working, my family and I have a house in the San Juan Islands. We've been here since '94.

Never to tire, never to grow cold; to be patient, sympathetic, tender; to look for the budding flower and the opening heart; to hope always; like God, to love always--this is duty.

Beauty may be said to be God's trademark in creation.

Stepmothers in books usually behave very spitefully towards the children entrusted to them. But he was now learning by his own experience that in real life this does not always happen.

If you feel tired midway through, give Neil Patrick Harris a Red Bull and throw some sheet music at him.

What this country needs is a credit card for charging things to experience.