I know there's a lot of guys who would love to see me fail. Well, good. Let 'em. I'm glad.

I believe nicotine plus caffeine equals protein.

I don't think I've ever stepped into a gym - they won't let me smoke there. I just thank God Miller Lite isn't as fattening as most beers. If I cut back on beer, though, I'd look anorexic.

I was never able to have three of four beers. One's too many, and ten just ain't enough. Basically it's the way I've been since high school.

I hit the ball as hard as I can. If I can find it, I hit it again.

Life is nothing but a memory. People who dwell on the bad ones aren't going to have a whole lot of good ones coming up.

This fitness thing is blown out of proportion. What am I going to do on a treadmill - smoke a cigarette and drink a diet Coke?

There are probably some things I could do to keep my flexibility up, but I'd rather smoke, drink diet Cokes and eat.

I enjoy the oohs! and aahs! from the gallery when I hit my drives. But I'm getting pretty tired of the awws! and uhhs! when I miss the putt.

My slogan is who needs fitness when you've got great equipment.

I learned you can't drink whiskey and play golf.

The only ship you can truly steer in this ocean is the one you're sailing. Quit trying to alter the winds

You know, that's what you've been doing in a way--coming out. Coming out of your room. Coming out of your house. Coming out of your shell.

Seeds of faith are always within us sometimes it takes a crisis to nourish and encourage their growth.

To curb the machine and limit art to handicraft is a denial of opportunity.

The dream doesn't lie in victimization or blame; it lies in hard work, determination and a good education.

Liberals are more upset when a tree is chopped down than when a child is aborted.

There's no real formula for doing it, it's either just living life and writing down a joke you think of in the middle of the day and then pieces those together later.

That a guardian should require another guardian to take care of him is ridiculous indeed.

Lectures were once useful; but now when all can read, and books are so numerous, lectures are unnecessary.

Wine is drinkable sunlight. It's the most glorious summer's day imaginable, captured in a bottle.