I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

I'd prefer to be alone by myself, than alone in a room full of people.

Even in war there should be lines you didn't cross.

Do not be content to skim through a chapter [of the Bible] merely to satisfy your conscience. Hide the Word of God in your heart.

The Stars shine down and watch us live Our little lives And weep for us

If you look at the Bible almost everything that was predicted, maybe everything, has come to pass.

The writer is always to some extent in exile, wherever he is, because he is somehow outside, separated from others; there is always a distance.

The visible world only becomes the real world by the operation of thought

The laughing way we make damaged people our playthings, it's so dehumanizing.

I think the fact that Sir Alex Ferguson rested Howard Webb had a lot to do with the result.

My philosophy is very simple: when in doubt, take a bath.