I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Belief has nothing to do with facts, especially for the unbelievable facts.

Your dreams of today will create your future.

I'm trying to demystify the whole process. Make it simple, make it palatable. I want people to have respect for the law, and I want to educate people on the basics of the law.

I like bawdy humor. I love bawdy humor, but not dirty humor.

To see clearly is poetry, prophecy and religion all in one.

Looking back at my career, if there's one word that most people use to describe me, it's intense.

I'm almost weeping when I'm painting my daughter. I've been thinking she won't be little for much longer.

Being with Al Gore on the red carpet in Cannes was exciting - he's like a rock star unto himself!

He felt his smile slide away, melt, fold over and down on itself like a tallow skin, like the stuff of a fantastic candle burning too long and now collapsing and now blown out.

It isn't glamorous until after the film is finished, and you are at the premiere and getting your picture on the cover of magazines.