I know what it's like to have a family and not have insurance and really need it. As a comic, insurance was one of those sacrifices I made early on until I could afford it.

I don't want to die tomorrow knowing I could've had a piece of cake tonight.

There's 5 levels of fatness! Fluffy is one of the levels. There's big, healthy, husky, fluffy and damn.

Why do people measure life by the years instead of how good the years were?

I drink diet coke so I can eat regular cake.

Me racist? The only race I hate is the one you have to run.

Life is measured by how you lived it, not by the years.

With all the classes they offer at school, how come they don't have one for common sense?

When you go to Hawaii, it's all about "Aloha." It means hello, goodbye and I love you.

You live by the cake, you die by the cake.

I had to travel half way across the world to be called an American.

Show me the man you honor and I will know what kind of man you are.

Mental anguish always results from the avoidance of legitimate suffering.

You going to let me go now?""That depends." He muttered. "Are you going to try and nosedive down the stairs again?""Wasn't planning on it, but who knows how this might play out.

Men are never really willing to die except for the sake of freedom: therefore they do not believe in dying completely.

Icelandic peoples were the ones who memorized sagas... We were the first rappers of Europe.

Being a retired major looks like an ideal thing to me. What a pity you couldn't eternally have been just a retired major.

The truth, or success, of any writer's story lies partly in its specificity and its emotional honesty.

Melancholy cannot be clearly proved to others, so it is better to be silent about it.

[N]ature repairs one thing from another and allows nothing to be born without the aid of another's death.

Donald Trump is an independent presidential candidate who ran on the Republican label. He really did. He took it over. He transformed it into his image, in his likeness.