I know what it's like to have a bunch of material that's working that you don't care about. You want to die.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

I think a servant of the enemy would look fairer and feel fouler.

Sometimes happiness can come very simply, purely, merely if one is ready to embrace it with open arms.

The temptation to spend money increases as a person’s opportunities increase.

Priests, magistrates and ladies never quite take off their gowns.

The request of industry to government is as modest as that of Diogenes to Alexander: Get out of my light.

If I were running al-Qaeda in Iraq, I would put a circle around March 2008 and be praying as many times as possible for a victory not only for Obama but also for the Democrats.

A lot of men, they don't put anything on their faces. And some women also overdo it.

My philosophy is to not be scared of anyone. If I play well, great; if I dont, I learn from the match and move on.

People can stand around and share movement with each other, whether it's professional or not. That's how it grows. That's what dance does. It's its own language.

A clock is a little machine that shuts us out from the wonder of time.