I know who I am. Bloody hell, I'm getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, 'cos if I'm not, I have no idea who I'm paying for

Parrots have gone a bit quiet since pirates have gone.

It's like the panda, they say that's dying out. But what do they do? When you see them they're just sitting in the jungle eating.

It would be spiteful to put a Jellyfish in a trifle.

Pigeons: They've got wings, but they walk a lot.

I've got loads of nieces and nephews.

[Jellyfish] are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful.

Avocados, it's a food that ain't worth injuring yourself for. If it's a hassle to get into, leave it to the experts.

We've had the Iron Age, the Stone Age, this is the pissin' about age.

People who live in a glass house have to answer the door.

You know, when you're a producer, you're a bit of a lackey. You're just making cups of tea and making sure they've got newspaper, stuff like that.

When all that's left mediocrity and each day just bleeds into the next.

The misery of life lies in our thinking".

It is almost impossible to throw dirt on someone without getting a little on yourself.

All that this world knows of living lies in giving - and more giving; He that keeps, be sure he loses -Friendship grows by what it uses.

There's nothing better than a fight, especially when you're watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he's a big Jessie!

Many will call me an adventurer - and that I am, only one of a different sort: one of those who risks his skin to prove his truths.

If you're a governor of a big state, people sense your presence a little bit, even your fellow governors.

I didn't like Los Angeles very much but I like San Francisco.

Nothing brings out the lower traits of human nature like office-seeking. Men of good character and impulses are betrayed by it into all sorts of meanness.

Run, run, run - with everything you have - into everything you are meant to be.