I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

All paths are present, always... and we can but choose among them.

We have within ourselves as a species, the ability to find the beauty in everything. And once we master it, we will be some of the gentlest creatures that ever evolved.

You can have all the wine and dragons that my money can buy. That’s what the old woman told me, and I listened.

I love acting with all my heart and I love music with all my heart.

I proceeded to take that mitten full of the deadly yellow snow crystals and rub it all into his beady little eyes with a vigorous circular motion.

A middling talent makes for a more serene life.

If I had done what I was programmed to do, I would now be sitting in a car factory looking at the sizes of wheels, or wondering how to get credit to start a new factory in Russia.

Sellers who've embraced social media are creating new opportunities that totally bypass traditional sales channels... It's about good selling - using all the tools that are available to you today.

When I'm in L.A., I try to run the canyons or play tennis with friends a few times a week. I've tried working out with a trainer and going to the gym, but I'd just much rather be outside.

Life is not a popularity contest