I learned how to believe in myself. Learned how to set goals, you know, self help books man. I just read every single one I can get a hold of, and I still do.

When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.

Even when people are rich and successful on TV shows, there's always some trouble - you have to poke holes in them, throw them out of a job, put a pie in the face.

Learn how to set goals. That's the key to everything. That includes designing your own success. You define what the goal is, it's not somebody else's goal, it's yours.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

I'm a big believer in overcoming and achieving and doing things and not feeling sorry for yourself.

I love the normalcy of Cleveland. There's regular people there.

There's no way I can justify my salary level, but I'm learning to live with it.

You say tomato, I say bourbon and coke.

Things don't make me nearly as happy as talking and having a beer with my friends. And that's something everyone can do.

Liquor prohibition led to the rise of organized crime in America, and drug prohibition has led to the rise of the gang problems we have now.

Reality is like a fruitcake

His life was gentle and the elements So mix'd in him that Nature might stand up And say to all the world This was a man!

Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn't hold.

When you first get a hill in sight, look at the top of it only once. Then imagine yourself at the bottom of the other side.

I would much rather be found guilty of making a serious mistake in judgment, than to be accused of being even a little bit insincere.

Abortion is profoundly anti-women.

You say a new era in art is preparing; you sensed it coming; continue your studies without weakening. God will do the rest.

When you get older, if you are healthy, is not a problem. If you don't have the health, then you go home.

If you believe in God, work with Him. If you do not, become one.

How do we not rue the many unchosen paths in life? A blessed lack of imagination. There are enough real glories along any path to swamp our meager ability to picture alternatives.