I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

Real choices – the ones that changed you and shaped you – were never made with the head, but on the beat of a heart that saw a future it couldn't live without.

You make it sound so simple.It is, for the most part. Love is complicated, it can be downright ugly, but with the two of you it can be nothing but beautiful in the end.

People put so much effort into starting a relationship and so little effort into ending one.

In health care today, we spend most of the dollars - in terms of treating disease - in the last two years of a person's life.

The fastest way for a politician to become an elder statesman is to lose an election.

The distinction between good and evil is meaningless if one does not have the freedom to choose between them.

If you want knowledge, you must toil for it; if food, you must toil for it; and if pleasure, you must toil for it: toil is the law.

But in spite of the obvious effectiveness of mathematics in physics, I have never heard of a good a prioriargument that the world must be organised to mathematical principles.

I think the race situation is getting better as far as people respecting each other goes. I think the race situation with entertainment is not that much better.

When I was having that alphabet soup, I never thought that it would pay off.