I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Imagination was given to us to compensate for what we are not a sense of humor was provided to console us for what we are.

The ability to help the people around me self-actualize their goals underlines the single aspect of my abilities and the label that I value most—teacher.

Setting up a college fund would be a great way to redirect the tangible evidence of Daddy's love.

This is what I want for entrepreneurs, especially for women: to believe in themselves, to dream bigger, reach higher, and to achieve success beyond their wildest expectations.

If we don't like what's happening to us in the world, all we have to do is change our consciousness - and the world out there changes for us!

We reason deeply, when we forcibly feel.

In terms of worship, I think we ought to have the right people leading.

It is not about the pasture of the sheep, but about their wool. [Lat., Non est de pastu ovium quaestio, sed de lana.]

Thou art true and honest as a dog.

I suppose I could try to be some avant-garde artist if I wanted to, but that doesn't interest me as much.