I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'

Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.

If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership!

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

Democrats should be focused on which way we can help the most people in this country, and Republicans should be focused on how to do that in the most fiscally responsible manner possible.

We should celebrate immigrants and everything they do for our country.

Art should be on the side of humanity.

In short, Google prefers a world where we consistently go to three restaurants to a world where our choices are impossible to predict.

New York's not exactly antiseptic. It could be clean and less dangerous, and not horrible, not under a tidal wave of tourists.

If men were ever to lose the appetite for meaning we call thinking, they would lose the capacity for asking all the unanswerable questions upon which every civilization is founded.

A ratio of failures is built into the process of writing. The wastebasket has evolved for a reason.

When you leave it to chance, then all of a sudden you don't have any more luck.

A brush with death always helps us to live our lives better.

The world is full of love and pity, I say. Had there been less suffering, there would have been less kindness.