I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'

Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.

If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership!

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

Happiness is beneficial for the body, but it is grief that develops the powers of the mind.

Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.

I don't think any good book is based on factual experience. Bad books are about things the writer already knew before he wrote them.

There's nothing terribly wrong with The November Man in a serviceable late-night cable TV sort of way but neither is there anything terribly right about it. It's unnecessary and derivative.

My attitude is, I am not a lawyer; I am not a doctor; I am not a scientist. I am a filmmaker and I want to present what each side is saying and let the viewer come to their own conclusion.

In recompense, envy may be the subtlest - perhaps I should say the most insidious - of the seven deadly sins.

The truth is, until you know any different, the island is enough. Actually, I know different. And it's still enough.

Jane Austen was writing about boring people with desperately limited lives. We forget this because we've seen too many of her books on screen.

It is a mortal sin to discard the elderly.

Deficits do not in themselves produce inflation, nor does a balanced budget assure a stable price level.