I like old people falling over, that's what makes me laugh.

I was at college doing performing arts, and just spending all my time mucking about, and the lecturers thought I would be pretty good at stand-up, so I gave it a whirl.

I hate Shakespeare. I think Shakespeare's rubbish.

A lot of comedians, when they have a bad gig, will blame everything but themselves. They'll blame the crowd, or the room was wrong, it had a weird vibe, or the promoter promoted a weird atmosphere.

I'm just generally hugely frustrated, I'm a very, very frustrated man. I'm just a ball of pent-up frustration.

I didn't really want to be a comedian.

I still get excited about meeting celebrities, because I don't think I'm a celebrity myself.

I've met Nicole Kidman, Elton John, loads of people.

Modern man threw a brick through his own window in order to sell himself a burglar alarm.

The whole business of smoking is like forcing yourself to wear tight shoes just to get the pleasure of taking them off.

I was quite pleased that Prince Philip didn't say anything like, I hate queers! He was quite well behaved.

The less worth of a man, the greater his pride.

Accept, Acknowledge and Awake.

I like actors that are good with pantomime and that can transmit a lot by their presence and attitude more than through their dialogue

Animals give me more pleasure through the viewfinder of a camera than they ever did in the crosshairs of a gunsight.

Mel Gibson's father doesn't think there was a Holocaust? Great. I don't think there's a movie. We're even.

Of the female black authors, I really like Morrison's early books a lot. But she's really become so much a clone of Faulkner. He did it better.

Every time you pick up an instrument, it's not always out of necessity - for a certain kind of person, it's a choice.

I think the whole idea of home is central to who we are as human beings.

Nothing good or great can be done in the absence of enthusiasm.

I've always known, all my life, that I was going to be something special. I never knew what it was, but I always had that feeling. I think my mother installed it when I was a little guy.