I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Maybe a combination of things in this world are our true soul mates.

Let borders become sunlight so we traverse this Earth as one nation and drive the darkness out.

I'm just thankful to have a tour and work something I can focus on.

What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise.

Acknowledgement is the only way to keep love alive.

Every great success is an accumulation of thousands of ordinary efforts that no one else sees or appreciates.

Evidence of warming is not evidence that the cause is anthropogenic.

Form is the host; content is the virus.

With my mask, I controlled all of the mouth movements with my own mouth.

Relative to the world's other advance democracies, Americans get off easy on tax day. Of the 35 richest countries, the U.S. ranks 32nd in total tax burden.