I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know everybody is for sale.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

Fear of the unknown and resentment bring stress.

No one gets remembered for the things they didn't do

Perhaps it's just me, but I am wary of any persons whose belief system is the only thing standing between them and repulsive behavior.

I don't know who said it, but it really kind of hit me hard in the stomach: "The only difference between all of us is that some of us were loved and some of us weren't."

There is no protection against slander.

I recover my property wherever I find it.

She only is chaste, who is chaste where there is no danger of detection: she who does not, because she may not, does.

People who are given whatever they want soon develop a sense of entitlement and rapidly lose their sense of proportion.

Help, I have done it again I have been here many times before Hurt myself again today And the worst part is There's no-one else to blame.

The worse the passage the more welcome the port.