I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle... and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

Allowing myself to wander off into the vast jungles of religion and spirituality has often led to me stumbling upon life altering new ways of thinking, living, and being.

The fact that you are true child of God doesn't mean you will find gold on the floor when sweeping. You got to dig up the gold!

I daresay something will happen, between now and ’91, to make your fortunes look up.

The praise that comes from love does not make us vain, but more humble.

Theory is the practice of the impotent.

We consider that the United Nations' ideal is a Jewish ideal.

The present moment is a powerful goddess.

Tolerance is the worst roar of all, including tolerance for homosexuals, feminists, and religions that don't follow Christ.

We have Kenjii. We have my cell phone. Since we aren't officially dating, I'm sure you'll agree that's all the protection we need.