I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Monica Seles: I'd hate to be next door to her on her wedding night.

I like playing roulette, I like dice. I grew up with gamblers.

I'm very goal oriented.

Most fears of rejection rest on the desire for approval from other people. Don't base your self-esteem on their opinions.

Beneath every history, another history.

Your headlights don't scare me.

We cannot know God apart from His Word.

When working with an orchestra, you never spend more than 20 minutes per recording session.

The past assumes the nature of the present.

I want to empower farmers to expand their market share.