I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Soul bonds can't be broken. They only bend for a while . . .

It is said that ‘Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder’. I say, ‘Perfection lies in the heart of the receiver.

He said he loved more than any other women he's ever loved and I had a black eye to prove it.

Success is what happens when a mind with a positive attitude meets an effective plan of action.

I believe with the best of who I am in God, but I sometimes think if anybody would watch me and [they] didn't believe a damn thing, they would have a very hard time deciding which of us is which.

Order means light and peace, inward liberty and free command over one's self; order is power.

Behavioral change is more important than individual product choices. They both have a role to play.

It would be unthinkably bad luck to be betrayed by a rumbling stomach.

Can any man be courageous who has the fear of death in him?

Listen, you make a big movie, you're going into the Coliseum, and people are going to give you the thumbs up or the thumbs down. And that's part of the game. It's part of the fun as well.