I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

On Friday night, I was reading my new book, but my brain got tired, so I decided to watch some television instead.

She was as sated with him as he was tired of her. Emma had rediscovered in adultery all the banality of marriage.

Being brave meant that though you might be frightened, you would face the greatest danger if you knew it was the right thing to do.

I wanted to be a teacher, but I was a lousy student, one of the slowest readers. It was a tremendous struggle. But I'm lucky I had some teachers who saw something in me.

A boy cannot begin playing ball too early. I might almost say that while he is still creeping on all fours he should have a bouncing rubber ball.

Dogs are the broccaflower of the animal kingdom.

If the world is irrational, we can never know it -- either it or its irrationality.

I regret the ending of our friendship and hope one day before we die, we'll make peace with each other . . . No rush.

Life sometimes separates people so that they can realize how much they mean to each other.

None of us got where we are solely by pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps.