I like to roast things from the inside out. I like to know what's going on.

My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain.

Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on.

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.

I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny as I could be.

When I see a good singer, I get teary-eyed. Part of it is jealousy because all comedians are frustrated rock stars. That's a fact.

How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?

I've always liked cops, as much as you can like a group of people, you know? Sure, I've been hassled, but I'm a white dude - privileged.

Instead of running for President, why don’t you try walking on a treadmill?

My life and my career have been a series of happy and not so happy accidents.

It really bothers me when some people say that all cops are racist. Of course that's not true. Most of you are just [expletive] to everybody.

When people respect someone as a person, they admire her. When they respect her as a friend, they love her. When they respect her as a leader, they follow her.

Reality is symbolicof an unseen insanity

I though I screwed everything up, " I say.He smiles. "You're only one person. In the whole universe. You can't screw everything up.

Worry is the facade of taking action when prayer really is.

The variation in the value of money, however great, makes no difference in the rate of profits.

They [Iran] are going to end up getting nuclear. I met with Bibi Netanyahu the other day. Believe me, he's not a happy camper.

I like the Polanski stuff more than anything else. Rosemary's Baby is still one of my favorite movies of all time. The idea of her being impregnated with the devil is just so frightening.

To see the other side, to defend another people, not despite your tradition but because of it, is the heart of pluralism

Go back to what's good, what's certain, what's always there. You woke up today. Just start walking.

You can't always get what you want.