I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Those who will never be fooled can never be delighted, because without self-forgetfulness there can be no delight, and this is a great and grievous loss.

Women may fall when there's no strength in men.

I go back to where I came from, to where I was before I was born, that’s all.

What I could not support was a dumb war, a rash war, a war based not on reason but on passion, not on principle but on politics.

Human survival is something that you can't see in another person; you can see if someone has that will to survive or that will to win; you can't see that, you can only watch that evolve over time.

There is no question there are differences between male and female brains. They are called sexual dimorphisms and you can point to different anatomical structures.

I hope that one or two immortal lyrics will come out of all this tumbling around.

A broken clock is right two times a day.

What's keeping you from being rich? In most cases it's simply a lack of belief. In order to become rich, you must believe you can do it, and you must take the actions necessary to achieve your goal.

I still visit my village quite often, as my parents and one of my sisters live there, but also I feel the village is more of an isolated, unreal part of me.