I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

We can never be gods, after all--but we can become something less than human with frightening ease.

The more candles on my cake means I get a little more exercise in blowing them out.

I'm a real stay-at-home mom. I'm really hands-on. Everything else became secondary.

Perhaps, if we don't always have a conscious conscience, we have a subliminal one, from which the memory of past wrongs is not so easily erased.

Pity that consequences are determined not by excuses but by actions!

Education provides the fullest opportunities for fulfilling ourselves. It is the access to all that a person has yet to learn.

Journalists say my music is "blue wave," or "dreamy," or "jangly-slacker jewel," and none of it really makes sense to me.

Girls shouldn't worry about being the equal of men in the business world.

Often, city fathers blamed prostitutes for the disease, and some threatened to brand their cheeks with hot iron if they did not desist from their vices.

The branch might seem like the fruit's origin: In fact, the branch exist because of the fruit.