I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.

You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

A real woman needs quotes by dead men to get through the day.

I wear the word victim like a badge of honor — my own purple heart. I see what others do more than I see what I'm capable of.

I don't see much point in doing things for a pure joke. Every now and then you need a joke, but not so much as the people who spend all their lives constructing joke palaces think you do.

A book of poems doesn't just come out by chance, an editor has to select it, a publisher has to distribute it or you will never see it.

The saloon is a liar. It promises good cheer and sends sorrow.

I would wrestle Hulk Hogan when I'm 50 years old.

I received 500,000 discrete bits of information today, of which maybe 25 are important. My job is to make some sense of it.

..all I left with was the magnitude of my mistake, of my missing you. And I have to watch you from this distance, watch you achieve your dreams, live what seemed like this perfect life.

The true runner comes to the finish and receives the prize and is crowned.

You get these insurgent movements of populism, left and right. An insurgent movement of populism took my political party over in the UK for example.