I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

You don’t get rich writing science fiction. If you want to get rich, you start a religion.

We live a moment at a time and this is unique.

There are dark and alone times when you move forward to pursue your own journey, but the beauty in the light at the end of the tunnel is worth every sacrifice you thought you made.

Let a woman have her place, because as you provide foundation for her, she provides a foundation for you. And through that vulnerability comes strength.

I like to jump some rope and swing kettle bells to get my blood pumping. It makes my voice sound better, and it clears my head.

Since 1977, there have been many science fiction movies, but none has managed to equal [A New Hope's] blend of adventure, likable characters, and epic storytelling.

Genre is a bookstore problem, not a literary problem.

Mothers have a habit of proving right except you don't find that out until you're the age your mother was when she gave you the advice.

The Eternal looked upon me for a moment with His eye of power, and annihilated me in His being, and become manifest to me in His essence. I saw I existed through Him.

I profess not talking: only this, Let each man do his best.