I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Before you can act you must choose. Before you can choose you must know. Before you can know you must feel. And before you can feel you must be trained.

Deep down inside, each of us knows what our truths are. It is forgivable to lose them...It is unforgivable not to reclaim them.

The evangelistic ministry is a fight, not a frolic.

Life does not end when a relationship ends, just like life doesn't start when a relationship starts.

Don’t wait for the opportunity; Create it.

History has shown that the less people read, the more books they buy.

Children usually do not blame themselves for getting lost.

The point of writing my name to you is that I see who you are, you see who I am... and that's what it's about.

Let go of who's right and focus on what's right

There has to be news at a place called Fox News.