I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.

Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.

You least obtain something great from the great thing you regard as least though such great thing can give you something great

We were worried that our main speaker wouldn't be able to make it tonight. But fortunately due to a hole in the prosecution's case . . .

Money and fame made me believe I was entitled. I was wrong and foolish.

Women who are inclined to write poetry at all are inspired by being mad at something.

A major threshold is passed when you mature enough to acknowledge what drives you, and to take the wheel and steer it.

I work toward the liberation of women, but I'm not feminist. I'm just a woman.

Sometimes heckling can almost help a set, because it ratchets up the tension in the room... can even bring things to a climax.

But I would say if the Security Council is only relevant if it agrees with the United States, then we have come a long way in a direction that I do not like very much.

My teachers helped guide and motivate me; but the responsibility of learning was left with me, an approach to learning which was later reinforced by my experiences at Amherst.

There will be no hatred or resentment among them, their hearts will be as one, and they will glorify God, morning and evening.