I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

Say what you want about the deaf.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

We first become aware of freedom or its opposite in our intercourse with others, not in the intercourse with ourselves.

Tax not so bad a voice to slander music any more than once.

He who searches for evil, must first look at his own reflection.

You know your life is completely screwed up when you have to look up the mythological figures who talk to you in the bathroom mirror.

I want my writing to reach people. I don't write for a market. I write from my heart, something that appeals to me. The marketing, segmenting etc., can be done by your publisher, not you.

There is no Hierarchy of Oppressions

To be simple is the best thing in the world; to be modest is the next best thing. I am not sure about being quiet.

Man cannot persist long in a conscious state, he must throw himself back into the unconscious, for his root lives there.

Those who don’t love themselves as they are rarely love life either.

Cheating is baseball's oldest profession. No other game is so rich in skullduggery, so suited to it or so proud of it.