I lived across from a Catholic church for 15 years that I never went into. And then I got married to my wife and - you know, and now we're going in there every other day baptizing a kid.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

Just like you silly bums, I have a personal sky god. I bow to him, as you do to your airy-fairy sod. He prefers I call him Mr. NOT.

Eradicating ignorance through the establishment of information centers.

If I didn't work on the assumption that people were mostly telling me the truth, I think I'd go mad... And I'd rather be mistaken about others than mistrustful of them.

What are kings, when regiment is gone, but perfect shadows in a sunshine day?

This is one I know you hated when you heard it and it's worse because you know that I deserve it

For me, writing Bridget's [Jones] stories is an instinctive, organic thing, which tends to happen more by accident than design.

Readers and writers are united in their need for solitude, in their pursuit of substance in a time of ever-increasing evanescence: in their reach inward, via print, for a way out of loneliness.

Products are produced in the factory; brands are produced in our minds.

However, I never thought that [George W.] Bush himself was, in any sense, "evil."

I distrust any advice that contains the words 'ought' or 'should'.