I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Only the ‘Right belief’ gives rise to non-contradicting principle and that which is free from contradiction is known as ‘Principle’.

Give as much as importance to your goal as you give it to your first girlfriend, with that much importance your girlfriend might still leave you but your goal will definitely come to you.

Basically, there are two paths you can walk: faith or fear. It's impossible to simultaneously trust God and not trust God.

I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.

I've got a lot of work to do, a lot of people to make proud.

Success in any field, but especially in business is about working with people, not against them.

We must be courageous but also reasonable. The world admires us for walking a tightrope without falling off. It asks us to keep our balance.

I believe that independent film making is the last frontier of creative expression available. So I'm always willing to lend a helping hand to a young film maker who's just getting into the business.

In the corridors of diplomacy people  gradually tend to lose their capacity to distinguish between what is important and what isn't.

I believe that the presidential term should be limited.