I'll be spending the holidays with my family. Nothing special, just some light bickering and biting sarcasm.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

I don't need anything to get high. I'm high on life.

It is only when one knows the unutterability of the name of God that one can utter the name of Jesus Christ

If you learn to respond as if it’s the first day in your life and the very last day, then you will have spent this day very well.

I have done hard jobs in the past, and acting isn't one of them.

Life was a fool's errand, carrying news to the worms.

One's real worth is never a quantifiable thing.

Sometimes you are lifted up to the mountaintop as a gift from the universe, so you can see what is possible. Then you are put down back at the bottom: Now you have to earn it for yourself.

I'm tough on the outside and soft on the inside [...] I'm really a shy guy.

Look at somebody like Drake, the guy is one of the most vulnerable. He says exactly what's on his mind and that's why I respect him.

Abundance is, in large part, an attitude.