I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

I wanted to wake you straightaway, but I knew I had to wait several hours to ensure you were safely recovered.""What! How long has it been?""Five minutes. I got bored.

Even a fool is wise after an event.

I often wonder if we could not solve the world's problems on a similar basis of harmony.

Humility enforces where neither virtue nor strength can prevail, nor reason.

If it Captures Your Imagination, it will captivate others.

people always live for ever when there is an annuity to be paid them

I am amiable. Vague. Puzzled. Messy-haired.

Theatre is how I first encountered art on any level.

Oh! death will find me long before I tire of watching you.

One man puts the fire out, the other lights the fuse.