I'll squeeze the cider out of your adam's apple.

Every time you think, you weaken the nation.

Keep laughing. As long as you’re laughing you still have hope.

If there's anything I like better than honey and ketchup, it's baloney and whipped cream --- and we haven't got any!

Our genius ain't appreciated around here... let's scram!

Only fools are positive.

I used to stand outside the theater knowing the truant officer was looking for me. I would stand there 'til someone came along and then ask them to buy my ticket.

Shut up and say something.

The greatness of the man's power is the measure of his surrender.

Becoming an empathetic listener helps you to better understand how another person feels and why they communicate as they do.

Money is the seed of money, and the first guinea is sometimes more difficult to acquire than the second million.

Your views are as narrow as your tie.

I've always had a sneaking fondness for Martin Van Buren. He wrote his autobiography, you know, and never once mentioned his wife. Now that's what I call a mans man.

I often get disoriented on stage. Half the time I don't even know where I am.

I might look as average as the next person but I had a few secrets up my sleeves. And lots of knives of course.

I have come, Sire, to complain of one of your subjects who has been so audacious as to kick me in the belly.

I have no interest in emo. I'm all about rap metal.

You could pray all you want that you have a massive stroke while you're working and die, but possibly that won't happen, and you'll be in this bed, and somebody's going to have to clean you up.