I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.

Your inability to see yourself clearly is what's keeping you alive.

I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.

We need to stop telling girls they can be anything they want when they grow up. Because it would have never occurred to them that they couldn't.

I do love poop. I can't help it. The heart wants what it wants. I enjoy being clever and pithy and political, but nothing's going to get me like dumb stuff.

People are always introducing me as Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne. I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am — I'm white!

Jews, black people - any people who are hated or who have suffered, either as individuals or as a people - use humour. It is a survival skill.

I hope the Jews did kill Christ, I'd do it again in a second.

Drew Friedman isn't just a brilliant artist. He takes you to a place. He takes you back in time. He makes you smell the stale cigarettes and cold brisket and you say, thank you for the pleasure.

They've got great parents; I'm just trying to be the fun uncle.

I like talking about things that are taboo, because it makes them not taboo anymore.

And the danger is that in this move toward new horizons and far directions, that I may lose what I have now, and not find anything except loneliness.

A family has its own rituals and its own superstitions.

I'm finally dating. It's fun.

People think of science as rolling back the mystery of God. I look at science as slowly creeping toward the mystery of God.

Then why don't you go and ---- yourself.

Sometimes, it is an external force that makes you realize your real potential.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

Life's pretty good, and why wouldn't it be? I'm a pirate, after all.

And that's when it fell off in my hand

If you are a very intelligent person, you will see this: All the realities in the universe can be changed!